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'Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies'...

Ask yourself this often do I lie?

Maybe little fibs to your loved ones to save face about that extra biscuit you ate or to your boss because the reason you're late to work is actually due to the fact you stopped off at your favourite haunt to grab your morning cup of caffeinated sanity.

The poor traffic is often the scapegoat for a snatched moment of self care!

Or then there's the whoppers that are told...the lies that have the energy to be earth shattering and life changing; be that about work, relationships, families or closeted skeletons that have been gathering dust for decades in the vault of family secrets that, through family trees being done, are suddenly thrust into the sunlight, having been carefully placed in the closet through fear and shame...with no fault of their own I hasten to add! Whew...that was a long sentence.

With all this into account, without minimising the damage and pain lies and fibs can cause, surely the most damaging and painful lie we can tell is to ourselves?.

I've been getting over this cold bug that has been going around so I had a lovely holographic healing done yesterday; I also had a late night working alongside a couple of glasses of red.

As a result of this, when I awoke this morning, I felt the cold symptoms starting to get worse again however I also felt like something had shifted because instead of getting on with the day, I reflected on the late night and wine. Knowing that alcohol and sleep deprivation lowers the immune system (something to do with digestive system and reparation time whilst sleeping) knowing that mine was in recovery, I still stayed up late and had the alcohol.

Why? I asked myself, why did I do it when I knew I have an event this weekend? Maybe I just didn't think...maybe I was complacent over the how my body was feeling much better...or maybe my mind was remembering how easily my body dealt with these things and yet my body has told me on numerous occasions that it no longer wanted acknowledging conflict between the two.

This self questioning led me to ask 'What else have I lied to myself about?' I immediately felt Spirit around me and the words I heard to myself were 'your own ability'. Which was precisely what my healing session bought up...the mistruths I've been telling myself all these years, simply to keep myself safe...

The voice in your head that says you can't is a liar...

I've worked hard at developing my personal mediumship so it is solid. I work, teach and demonstrate regularly, these lies that I have told myself have kept me in a place of safety and comfort with the feeling of resistance and fear if I dared to step into the light and shine.

I've allowed this to be my situation for the last year or so...fear of being seen, what will people think, I'm not qualified to do that, why would people book onto my courses (getting over it, setting up events and then not marketing them - creating a self fulfilled prophecy if you like), what can I teach them? I don't know anything...all these thoughts flying around my head like the monkeys out of Wizard of Oz. To avoid perceived abandonment perhaps?

I came to the conclusion that it's been through complete imposter syndrome with self culling tall poppy...razing myself to the ground if I thought I was getting too my Great Aunt used to say, 'you're getting too big for you boots'...yeah thanks Auntie, you may come from an era of children were seen and not heard however that's never been me (the irony here is I'm verbal, am 6'1" and have size 42/43 (UK 8/9) feet). The healing session yesterday has bought all this to the forefront, released it and integrated a feeling of wholeness between my masculine and feminine energy bodies.

“Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates. At the first gate, ask yourself, 'Is it true?' At the second ask, 'Is it necessary?' At the third gate ask, 'Is it kind?” - Rumi

Today, right now in fact, I've decided that, should these thoughts pop back in, I'll catch myself and place my thoughts through these three doors before taking them on board and believing them, stopping the blighter in its tracks. A bit like a thought based lie detector I suppose. No doubt there will be days I'll slip up and I'll have to remind myself to be own best friend, to believe in myself like I believe in my best friends, my Husband and my family.

Ultimately, moving forward, I have the intention of believing in myself the same way the Universe and Spirit believe in me, the same way my family, every client and student believe in matter what, no more lies to myself...easier said than done? We'll see...

So this mornings line of self questioning has left me with these epiphanies...which inspired me to put finger to keyboard and write a blog. I hope my words help someone else realise they aren't alone in their feelings

Much love and thanks for sticking with me...

Nicola xx

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