Updated: 4 days ago
Being quite a private person, I'm a little bit rubbish at knowing how much of myself to share with the World at large therefore I never thought that I would be in the place whereby I could claim that I was a 'victim' of domestic violence let alone be sharing it for all to read.
However, some things MUST be spoken about to bring them out from the shadows for the shadows are where shame resides and there is nothing shameful about being on the receiving end of DV; only the giving end...
In March 2015 at 8.30am, there I was, standing in the yard of our jointly owned acreage property west of Brisbane Qld, wearing nothing but undies and socks after my (now) ex-husband physically assaulted me.
As the ex was advancing on me and I was telling him to keep away, I shakily asked the workmen that were widening the road to call the police; the same workman gave me his jacket so I could keep some dignity. The police took me to the worksite managerial porta cabin where they took my statement.
After years of financial and mental abuse, I knew that he knew that he no longer had control over me, so upped the ante and resorted to physical violence to try and regain control...I knew that was my cue to jump ship and leave. I know in my heart of hearts, if I hadn't left when I did, I wouldn't be here now to tell the tale.
Thank God that we never had children together although I did miscarry several times. My heart goes out to all those with children that are in relationships where domestic violence is prevalent, at times, fatally so.
All I will say is when you can, when it is safe for you to do so, please reach out to loved ones or those that you trust are only on your side.
If that's difficult, there are some amazing organisations out there that will help and support your decisions - P3 Housing Support, Womens Aid and the Samaritans, all based in the UK being a few.
Anyhow, I digress...
Fast forward six years, a property settlement court case (orchestrated by the ex) multiple moves and much self-healing and soul searching, I'm back in the UK following my path of mediumship and teaching, am director of an amazing online Spiritual Development Centre, and am remarried to a wonderful man that is mentally healthy, who holds space for me to heal myself, supports me in all I do...in short, I am truly and magnificently loved. Exactly as I deserve to be.
Why am I sharing this with you? Good question oh wonderful reader.
Whilst sorting out some files on my computer, I rediscovered these words, words that I wrote on 17th January 2017.
The words that released much of the pain, indignity and hurt that I had absorbed over the last six years
I remember sitting at the dining table in the living room that I was renting from a lovely friend of mine, crying as I typed this.
The soft tears that fall as your soul recognises the truth and the healing that is occurring as a result. The words that become a promise to yourself...
My wish for you, dear reader, is eternal happiness...
Much love, Nicola
"I still hope for great love to come into my life.
Love for myself is eternally there, I am talking about the no holds barred kind of love, where someone will walk over hot coals for me, where a man that is so enriched himself, will see the jewels that are my heart and soul. Jewels that I have worked hard at polishing.
Beauty is more than an external thing that can change with the seasons of someone’s life,
but are internal and forever constant and powerful in the sublimity. It’s not about giving my power away but sharing my power with another that is equally as powerful and he is sharing his with me, reciprocal power-sharing.
An exchange so amazing and powerful it would ignite the most hardened of hearts and situations to reach for the unparalleled reaches of the universe that is encased within our hearts and souls.
The idea of the fairy tale I still believe in it. I believe that my perfect match is out there. I have no desire to be rescued and yet the urge to be held while I rescue myself is immeasurable.
My heart and soul are still beautiful, even though they have shouldered pain and burden unlike anything else on this earth. My heart has been shattered so many times that it is now more gold than heart…and that gold is what the love that has mended my broken self looks like.
I am healing, I am healing every second of every day. My heart hides at times because it feels unsafe to be seen and to be felt. The precious jewels that reside within are still very much whole for they can never be damaged, it’s the box that they come in that’s worn and a little battered, and yet it still works very well.
The pain from an abusive relationship is indescribable. The unknowing ness of who you have become is confusing and terrifying. You would give everything to return to that person who you were before you met. And yet you cannot. You are changed. Changed beyond recognition and belief, you look the same and sound the same. Everyone sees the same person. It’s like the inside of your home has been trashed and the graffiti on the walls are the reminders of the hurtful words and actions that were slowly etched on the inside of you for such a long time.
It doesn’t seem to matter how many times you paint over the damn things, in the right light, they can still be read. No one can see this carnage because you don’t let anyone in to see it. Slowly you redecorate, very slowly, you choose your new colour scheme for your interior. But first the graffiti must be scrubbed off, not just painted over like before, but removed completely so that no longer they can be read. Only then can the redecoration properly begin.
One by one the graffiti disappears with the solvent self-love that removes them. The echo will always be present and then the colours chosen can be painted on. Colour to heal and trust again. Colours that will allow another into the rooms called the heart and soul. The heart and soul were made to be shared. When we have been hurt, we keep these to ourselves to spread a healing balm on them, to hold them close to us in order to protect them.
The thing is, at some point, we have to release them again, and whilst keeping a watchful eye, the right kind of love will knock on my heart’s door at the perfect time.
To keep one-self safe is to be discerning who you give your heart and attention to…
There is a beauty in the pain that is felt for is exorcises the untold trauma from the body mind heart and soul. What is felt is released without shame or fear of reprisal or vindictiveness.
To come home to oneself after an emotional vacation is both joyous and daunting for it is now that the real work begins. The work of clearing out the old, scrubbing down the walls, throwing out everything that harms in anyway, be those thoughts, underlying patterns and out of date ways of treatment, be that acceptance from others of from self.
Lots of emotional and physical dusting…hoovering…polishing.
It’s safe to love again…it’s safe to be seen.
There was nothing wrong with the love you gave, what was wrong was how badly it was treated. You didn’t deserve that my darling, no-one ever does. But it does happen, it happens by people that have no clue how to love because they don’t love themselves. They are empty shells with permanent holes in them. It doesn’t matter how much love is poured in there, it will flow out again and their vessel will continually be empty. It’s up to them to plug the holes and make themselves better.
For now, be brave and allow your heart and soul to become available to receiving the rich sublime love to come into your life. The kind of love that will make you realise why it didn’t work with anyone else…that kind of love that is felt so deeply that every cell in your body vibrates.
To the beautiful man that is about to magically enter my life to tenderly love and support me until my heartbeats elsewhere and my bones turn to dust, welcome; for I shall fall in love with you too.
The walls around her heart trembled like an earthquake with the depth of the emotion that she was feeling. For every tear that fell, a crack appeared in the armour that had served as protection for so very long.
As she laid herself bare to the weary emotions that engulfed her, the walls fell…and as the walls fell, something awoke, a spark, a passion reignited from lying dormant for so long; too long in fact.
As the spark grew, it rose up through her body, reigniting every damn cell there until she flew, renewed and recovered, like the phoenix that she inherently is."
PS feel free to share, all I ask is that you credit me as the author...thank you xx